In Pursuit of Skinny: Make Hollywood Proud!

My half-assed attempts to lose weight are beginning to get on my own nerves. I’ve been bouncing between 130 and 137 for the past 2 weeks. I did notice that the less socially active I am, the more I weigh, and my social slowdown in the past 2 weeks isn’t helping. Granted, I made this decision myself, for financial reasons, but something needs to be done to balance this trend.  Besides, at one point I think I got bored of the NYC social scene. Plus there are only so many times I can witness models and aspiring actresses snort coke all night long. It gets depressing when you realize the women most people idealize, in real life have no self confidence, self restraint or dignity.  

Well the good thing is, since yesterday I did a lot of walking (took my mom out on a date to the Metropolitan Museum), even for NYC lifestyle, that did get me ready to start today anew. First order of business I need to cut out all the useless foods I eat. I've done this before where I switch all my foods for a lesser caloric equivalent, but since I do not have the time or money to go to a health store I need to figure out another way to do this. Hopefully in a week I will get back down to consuming 500 calories per day. That seems to work. Damn I’m such a weirdo when it comes to losing weight. Even at my heaviest, a sensible diet and exercise never worked for me. Last time when I dropped 20 pounds (which I never regained *knock on wood*), eating 500 calories per day is the only thing that worked for me, while my routine of biking 20 miles and consuming 1500 calories per day, every day, didn't.  Also I am thinking I-lipo “therapy” (if you can call it that) for my calves once I hit 120. That is the only part of me that never loses any inches. I am not fat now, but I do want to be perfect – the kind I have envisioned in my head. It’s like a twisted game I play where I declare war on my body. To the tanks!

A random picture of a sexy man - enjoy!

So here is my plan:

• No sugar of any kind unless it has almost no calories – this means not eating most fruits (with exception of lemons, limes and watermelons, and some berries), and substituting sugar for stevia.

• No white starches and carbs – eliminate all breads, all rice, all pastas (not that I eat them), potatoes, carrots and any “root” vegetables from my diet.

• Only 100 calories of dairy total per day allowed, including cheeses, yogurts and any by products. Also, no egg yolks or anything that includes them is allowed.

• Green tea pills are back in style.

• All meals must include at least 2 cups of bouillon  or vegetable soup.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

In Pursuit of Self: A Million and a Dime

“You’re not just another pretty face” said he jokingly. A quaint laughter of embarrassment and shock at such a comment followed from his wingman – the Architect. Most women in my position by now would be having an internal epileptic shock. They would be overwhelmed at the mind games and the power plays laid out before me. Frankly, I don’t know how I remain so confident and well reserved in these situations either, yet I live in them organically.

I took a walk from the bustle of my office

Here I am, having dinner at the priciest and trendiest of NYC restaurants, at a private table, with a famous Director and a world class architect responsible for quiet a few buildings in my city; And that neither fazes me nor surprises me. Life throws these little bits at me, little treats of experience that most people run for, yet I find myself just calmly walking along.

It’s absolutely funny how men and women chase these people, their status and their riches. They become gold diggers, backstabbers, and embezzlers. They try to pursue status, amount popular friends and show their face in the trendiest of places, yet at the end of the day, they get the experience of none. At best, they might eventually move into the upper middle class echelons of society and retire with a dog and a white picket fence lamenting themselves of what could have been. To their irony, I, instead, chase myself in hopes of self discovery and fulfillment, and here I get to meet these fascinating people everyone is so hopeful to hound down.

Last night’s experience was definitely enjoyable. It makes me miss those days in Moscow where I would be chauffeured around town without much care and enjoy spending my time submerged in culture with family in a calm, almost surreal environment. It really is a different culture behind closed doors. Outside world paints these people as extravagant, boisterous and flashy when the reality could not be further. They are highly private, very gentle, calm and exhibit a certain type of etiquette that the common world has long forgotten. It is refreshing. These people worry more about developing themselves and living a life that is fulfilling, than amounting riches. Funny, what they amount comes from what they love. That, or they hide it very well.

This experience was truly inspiring; makes me want to achieve so much more for myself, and push harder in my field. Something that the architect has said last night was blatantly true and interesting – formal education does not provide, but character, drive and the desire to grow does. Both these people stepped away from the traditional path and made themselves even when the world told them to ‘fuck off’ – thus I must push harder and do so myself, for myself, as well. Inspiration comes in many forms, sometimes in art and music, this time in company. 

In Pursuit of Sex: Crazy Little Thing Called Love

No, that's not me ;)

“Crazy little thing called love” – Definitely it’s crazy, not sure, however, if it’s little. My week has been a roller coaster of emotion and elation.

First, Mr. Bond is becoming more possessive of me (in a very sexy way). Friday night was a friend’s birthday party and we ended up going to this midtown, penthouse rooftop lounge and pool. It was crowded, too expensive, and over hyped. I think it was called Gansevoort. It’s one of those places that want to be upper class, but they really are not, there is neither quality nor class in that place. And the prices are nowhere near being justified ($18 for low quality cocktails that are worse than ones you find in dive bars). Back to the story, with our party of 15 – 20 people, with our table and bottle service we still had fun.  When the guests arrived I realized a small problem. Out of the guys that were there a few of them had attempted, unsuccessfully, to score a date with me prior. Normally I wouldn’t care but I had come with a date that I did not want to have to explain to why some of the men had turned hostile on him. Thankfully Mr. Bond is very skilled in social arts and resumed talking to socializing with other people in our crowd without me having to initiate it. As the night progressed a few brazen strangers have walked up to me directly as I am standing with my date to compliment me. I must admit there were some very bizarre pickup lines and compliment I have heard that night, but what stunned me most is how competitive men become around me. Here I am standing and socializing with my date, with kisses being exchanged, drinks shared and eye contact that would make most melt, and yet there are men attempting to cut in and go for the kill irrespective of that. Very brazen, very rude, flattering but still undesirable and as my friend puts it – “you and your pretty girl problems”. What I loved is that instead of backing down, Mr. Bond had some very interesting comebacks for them. I love confidence, but as the night progressed, his definitely took a few blows.

One of the people that showed up was an acquaintance that happens to be an attorney and went to a law school I was going to go to. So he and I were talking for a bit about things career related. I asked him how his practice was going and he about my real estate ventures; Nothing particularly exciting. Soon after, my friend runs up to me telling me: “your date just asked me if there is anything he should be worried about” in reference to me talking to this guy. And then I realized, any one I socialized with, Mr. Bond made sure to be within 5 feet away of me, eyeing me. Even when I was dancing with a female friend, he stood there looking at me from a far, examining all my body movements. Granted I became a tease and flirted with him from across the room by suggestively dancing with that friend, knowing he’s looking at me.  I know he couldn’t stop thinking about a potential threesome but I told him it’s not happening, though I might consider it for future ventures.  Sometimes, I love the social games we play. The chemistry is so tense, other people start feeling hot.  When this hunt between us starts, even his best friends are afraid to approach, lest they get on his competitive side. If most people chase, we hunt. We are two predators after one another and we tear apart and destroy anyone that gets in the middle.

A night and the day following of our crazy raging hot sex and a lazy day in bed I realize that even though he is afraid of admitting it and is fighting it, he has fallen. He is more open to me about his insecurities and readily tries to share his intimate works –be it allowing me to read the script he is working on, or see an episode he was featured in, or look at his photography. Not only does he willingly share all this, but he makes it a point. When he couldn’t find something he wanted to show me, he went crazy looking for it.

In public he is this confident, well held example of a man that only exists in novels and movies. When we are alone he becomes more like a boy, innocent, scared, vulnerable. When he realizes this, he tries to (unsuccessfully) hide it. With my experience, men, once fallen for a woman, always behave that way. Once in love, they become boys behind closed doors. It’s actually very beautiful in its own way.  Probably doesn’t help him since my hair and scent is now all over his room more so than before, and I am pretty sure his black shirt will not be dry cleaned for a while after I turned it into my permanent lounge wear at his place.

He and I are not exclusive, and knowing this he is still becoming more possessive and jealous. I was supposed to go on a date today (still might) with a movie producer before he flies back to LA, and Mr. Bond found out. Granted him and I both know the date is innocent, nevertheless it did not stop him from sneaking in a hickey onto my neck. Sneaky, since he planted it in blind spot where I cannot see it, but everyone else can. After a friend pointed it out, I asked him about it, he tried to laugh it off. Cute, sexy and hot ;)  It should be illegal for some people to be this sexy and smart, but I LOVE it.

In other news, I think one of my close friends is falling for me again. That ship has sailed and sank years ago. I don’t want to hurt him or lead him on, but he and I both know it is not happening. Worst yet, is that he is a close friend of mine. He is even type casting his women.  Years ago when we went out, he admitted he was reluctant at first because I have a little thing called brachydactyly on my left hand (aka, the Megan Fox thumb). Imperfections like that creep him out. Since then, however, he seems to have been dating only women who have that. He even admitted to me that he now likes visible imperfections in women because, according to him, perfection is unnatural and scary. Granted that is not why I think he is falling for me, there are however, too many other reasons I will not get into now that do allude to that fact strongly.

Yup, ladies and gentlemen I present to you, yet another poor soul I have traumatized for life. That makes it 3 people that I am aware of that typecast their dates to resemble me, even after years have passed….funny since only one of them is my ex. I think my friends are right; I need a visible warning label on me so men can read it before attempting to get involved. I’m a health hazard. 

Oh and here's a cool song I heard on True Blood. Enjoy :)

In Pursuit of Health: One Daiquiri at a Time.

Today is a short post since I am really under the weather. I have a sore throat and have been sleeping more than what is normal for anyone. I should probably down some vitamin C, but thankfully it is not too serious and has not really stopped me from my usual pace of lifestyle.

Case in point, yesterday I re-affirmed my habit of coming home at dawn. I stayed out all night partying and drinking with a close friend. Maybe it’s my astrological sign, or maybe it’s just me, but dawn is truly my favorite time of the day – right before anyone wakes up, 30 minutes before the sunrise and 40 minutes after. At that time I always feel serene, happy and overly hyper (even when I am dead tired). Even the colors illuminating everything are surreal.

So back to today: I am lounging around all day, watching ‘Borgia’. Really good show if you are into history and conspiracy. I did come about a song earlier that raised a few flags for me because it is too perfect. I showed it to a friend who joked about how the song is an ideal example of what a man who would have the balls to fall in love with me should exemplify, has to do with the chorus of the song. Apparently my heart is violent, conniving, puts up a front and has a lot of "demons for the past"....true...but on the brighter side, it’s a very catchy song! ^_^ I might make a drawing out of it later, if I get enough patience to finish the sketches for it. Anyway, I attached the link, so enjoy! :D  (the video, IMO could have been produced better)

(eventually I will figure out how to make the text go around this SOB)

The Pursuit of Harmony: A Crowned Kiss

From Bryant Park - On My Phone

A simple kiss can go a long way. I find myself convinced that either one of the two is true: he is either amazing at leading women on or he has fallen for me and began slowly letting his guard down. I’m leaning towards the more favorable one, hopefully not because of my naiveté feelings - I do not get a vibe of a player form him. He is undoubtedly very experienced, but also has an “I give a damn” vibe. He always seems to care about a lot of people and their well being, so it would make little sense for him to equally be in the art of toying around for fun.

Last night I met Mr. Bond, and though my feelings prior were fleeting due to aloofness and uncertainty on both our behalves, somehow, they were reaffirmed. I found myself in a situation of self-realization. The weird thing is, his behavior is a mirror of my own.  He and I both have issues at letting our guard down, and yesterday there was a break through on both of our behalves. After an evening out we ended up falling asleep and that is when the realizations started hitting.

To back up a bit: He and I spent some of the night reading his yet unfinished movie script. At that moment is when he dropped some of his guard down. I had a feeling that something extra personal was written into the script. After asking him about it, he admitted to some of it, though now I realize how much more is subscripted into it.  It’s almost like he wants someone to catch onto it, but at the same time doesn’t want to admit to its facts. When did we as adults become so convoluted and complicated?

But the events that led up to that epiphany kiss continued. He and I fell asleep and for the first time, even though my back was turned to him, he made it a priority to hold my hand and intertwine in a way that sent a message. I already familiarized myself with how he communicates and measures people up. He is the kind of person that says more with his motions and actions than his words, and at that moment the way he moved almost screamed at me “it ok to let your guard down too.”  

This was when I realized that I have trained myself to be so well poised that I never let my guard down. Even in my last relationship, for as long as it had lasted, I have let my guard down once which was a mistake on its own (but one I have learned so much from.) My mind is always analyzing the other person’s behavior and my reactions are so collected and controlled that even when I sleep I am afraid to attach myself to the other. Granted, this is the first real romantic interest I’ve had since my past 6 year relationship, but I have been on enough dates to see a pattern in my behavior (not that I have slept with any of my other dates ;} )

While lying in bed with him I began to force myself to relax. Then I knew he was aware of my inner battle. He grabbed hold of me and when I faced him, took my hand in his, and planted a soft kiss on the crown of my head as we laid there falling asleep. That was the best kiss of the night. That kiss not only brought my guard down, but also brought his guard down. Soon after he realized what he had done he started pulling away emotionally and trying to build up his guard again, but it was already too late. Moments like these are little points of no return. It is really funny watching us do this dance of courtship, considering the people that we are. The outside world perceives each one of us individually as a power player, but together, in private we are so chicken to act because of how scared each one of us is to getting hurt again.


Considering I have been already twice in serious relationships (one lasted 2 years, the other one 6), there is something very different about this person. I am no stranger to love and its effects, but somehow, there is something very different about this one. Our courtship has become almost spiritual.

The Pursuit of Wealth: Pockets Full of Holes.

My horoscope was right. June 27^th is definitely a turning point for me. Actually it most likely can be pinned starting from yester-night. Aside from work being a more positive experience for me (more on that later), things appear to be heading and snapping back into their normal pace of progression.  Mr. Bond is more direct, though still retains some of his mind games. Plus a few of my friends came back from East Hamptons. I was supposed to go there (and boy, would a month at the Villa do me some good) but I have responsibilities to take of – those that hopefully have taken root finally.  This whole month I have been working at attempting to redefine my approach to work. I see things slowly picking up, but not at the pace that I would like them to.

Granted, the first 6 months of real estate are known as a trial period where it is generally the hardest (and my lack of current income can attest to that) but I do want to be above the average, and for me this is month 3. Clients that I had wanted to close a deal with by June 15 are being reluctant for no other reason than sheer stupidity. I understand that they are coming out-of-state and have no general perception of the New York housing market, but their optimism is blatantly misled. The husband’s stubbornness is not helping. I found them an amazing place for 40% below market value. In addition to it not having to need renovation (of any kind), and it having reasonable maintenance (which the husband insists is too high *pffft*), in combination to amazing amenities, excellent and very lax building rules, this building is truly a gem. If I had funds for it, I would have already bought it. The place even has a working fire place - for New York City!! Well, they insist on getting it for even less because according to the husband, similar places in their town would go for less. Sure they reside in greater tri-state area, but this is New York they are talking about – they are not going to find a better deal, I can safely bet money on this.

So yeah, they reluctance and stubbornness to move forward is causing my pockets to have burnt holes. On the brighter side, I just found a new client to represent. Sure I do mainly exclusive sales, but being as how those are currently slow, I don’t mind being a buyer’s agent for now.  At the end of the day, I truly do enjoy Real Estate. I am so glad I left law.

Hopefully this week I can make more connections as things pick up. I have the Friday outing at Balthazar’s to look forward to, plus a picnic and a photo shoot I need to re-re-re-re-schedule (being as how it kept on being pushed back)  since my photographer is coming back. Plus Mr. Bond (as said before) has re-submerged. I’ll see where the ‘me-seeing-him-tonight’ will take me. Yesterday he did say something which I disliked, but I quickly shot down the topic in my ever creative manner. Humorous, but he got the point. Now my curiosity leads me. Tonight I will be observing his every move to see the underlying intentions – kind of hard to do since he is an actor and is practically trained at this, but so am I. 

In Pursuit of Love: The Game Mr. Bond Plays

I find myself again at odds with my inner Eve and outer Lilith. Thankfully this cycle is coming to an end and surly I will not be experiencing this anymore, quiet soon.  My inner girl-like attraction for this particular man is waning off as my more logical and calculating self is beginning to resurface. Though this someone is holding my interest, his male equivalent of my “femme fatale” characteristic while is what I find intriguing, is at the same time at odds with me. Ideally, there would be a progression in some sort of a relationship between the two of us, social games aside. However, I find myself losing much of my patience due to these games of pursuit. Strangely, they are what intrigued me to begin with. His refinement in the art of love’s pursuit fascinates me and created an almost naïve hopeful, but I know better than to believe these feelings. They truly are a nuisance sometimes (and very refreshing, albeit.)

I think I am beginning a new phase now where I am on a lookout for a truly interesting specimen for my pursuit. Shame, this one doesn’t seem to have been taking roots due to both of our aloofness. Oh well, it’s definitely not the end of the world.   

Unfortunately not many men spike my interest. Most are too predictable, easy to read and lack any of the basic characteristic skills I seek. They often pursue me, and it is flattering, but I do not pay much mind to them as it would be a waste of everyone’s time.   My friend even began an inner circle joke about how graceful I have become at rejecting dates and advances without making the boys feel bad about themselves. Even after rejection they often seek my company. Sure, they try to catch my interest later, but it’s futile. Eventually the same pattern emerges. They chase me to no avail and then find someone of their caliber to take up their time. Once that has taken hold of them, they brag to me about it until their relationship fails and they resume their cycle. Those that do find happiness in their relationship often become a long term friend for me.

Speaking of boys, I have come to find out that my ex has once again started contacting my close friends over social media in attempt to re-establish a communication link to me. Funny, seeing as how an amicable break up was his idea right before he began bad mouthing me, creating drama behind my back, deleting me from all his friend lists, then acting bat-shit suicidal while trying to catch my attention.  I do not know how lucky or unlucky this is for me, but I have too much experience in this. Why do all of my exes go from normal, functioning individuals to suicidal crazies once a break up occurs? It doesn’t even matter what their character profile was before we started dating. It all leads down the same road, for them anyway. They beg for me to come back (even if they initiated the break up) and then threaten me with their suicide. While I do care much for human wellbeing, I have lost my interest and my ability to give a damn.  The best I can do at this point is forward them to a good psychiatrists and wish them the best.

My hunt for an interesting date continues.