The Pursuit of Harmony: A Crowned Kiss

From Bryant Park - On My Phone

A simple kiss can go a long way. I find myself convinced that either one of the two is true: he is either amazing at leading women on or he has fallen for me and began slowly letting his guard down. I’m leaning towards the more favorable one, hopefully not because of my naiveté feelings - I do not get a vibe of a player form him. He is undoubtedly very experienced, but also has an “I give a damn” vibe. He always seems to care about a lot of people and their well being, so it would make little sense for him to equally be in the art of toying around for fun.

Last night I met Mr. Bond, and though my feelings prior were fleeting due to aloofness and uncertainty on both our behalves, somehow, they were reaffirmed. I found myself in a situation of self-realization. The weird thing is, his behavior is a mirror of my own.  He and I both have issues at letting our guard down, and yesterday there was a break through on both of our behalves. After an evening out we ended up falling asleep and that is when the realizations started hitting.

To back up a bit: He and I spent some of the night reading his yet unfinished movie script. At that moment is when he dropped some of his guard down. I had a feeling that something extra personal was written into the script. After asking him about it, he admitted to some of it, though now I realize how much more is subscripted into it.  It’s almost like he wants someone to catch onto it, but at the same time doesn’t want to admit to its facts. When did we as adults become so convoluted and complicated?

But the events that led up to that epiphany kiss continued. He and I fell asleep and for the first time, even though my back was turned to him, he made it a priority to hold my hand and intertwine in a way that sent a message. I already familiarized myself with how he communicates and measures people up. He is the kind of person that says more with his motions and actions than his words, and at that moment the way he moved almost screamed at me “it ok to let your guard down too.”  

This was when I realized that I have trained myself to be so well poised that I never let my guard down. Even in my last relationship, for as long as it had lasted, I have let my guard down once which was a mistake on its own (but one I have learned so much from.) My mind is always analyzing the other person’s behavior and my reactions are so collected and controlled that even when I sleep I am afraid to attach myself to the other. Granted, this is the first real romantic interest I’ve had since my past 6 year relationship, but I have been on enough dates to see a pattern in my behavior (not that I have slept with any of my other dates ;} )

While lying in bed with him I began to force myself to relax. Then I knew he was aware of my inner battle. He grabbed hold of me and when I faced him, took my hand in his, and planted a soft kiss on the crown of my head as we laid there falling asleep. That was the best kiss of the night. That kiss not only brought my guard down, but also brought his guard down. Soon after he realized what he had done he started pulling away emotionally and trying to build up his guard again, but it was already too late. Moments like these are little points of no return. It is really funny watching us do this dance of courtship, considering the people that we are. The outside world perceives each one of us individually as a power player, but together, in private we are so chicken to act because of how scared each one of us is to getting hurt again.


Considering I have been already twice in serious relationships (one lasted 2 years, the other one 6), there is something very different about this person. I am no stranger to love and its effects, but somehow, there is something very different about this one. Our courtship has become almost spiritual.